Can people change?

... or am I living in a fairy tale?

from JoeUser Forums
When he leaves the house, I practically trip over myself getting to this damn computer. I have to see what he's been up to while I was sleeping or in the shower or something. It hasn't been too long since I uncovered something juicy and hurtful and no doubt pornographic... but it has seemed to disappear lately. Somehow I doubt he's just gotten better at covering his tracks. I'm a great investigator- I can always find some little thing to be curious about. All I've found recently are just games and email records.

He says that my jealousy is a problem. I honestly don't know how to get over it. I was never such a jealous person in my previous relationships. I don't think it is right to place the blame on him for it- I know I must accept it- but I have only recently had this problem come up-- and I don't think it is a coincidence that it happened immediately after his online affairs surfaced.

I do believe that we can get through this. If it weren't for this trust issue, our relationship would be so healthy. We talk very openly. We love each other completely and we both want to get through this.

I just don't know how to do it. If I could buy the solution I would. If there was an instant fix, I would take it...

I am so lost. I am so scared. I am so tired.

Can I trust a man to be faithful to me?
Can I regain trust in the man I love after all that he has done to disrespect my trust?

Can people change?

2,652 views 7 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I really do think that you need to stop all the worry. Will he ever change you ask? The answer to that is more than likely no he won't. Let him be him. The more you try and cage him, the more he will want to escape you. The main thing that you need to focus on right now though is Y.O.U.
You are the one he comes home to. You are the one that he really loves even though he may not completely realize this. You need to stop playing Lt. Columbo, stop wasting your energy on being jealous and start to think of ways to make him realize that you are the one that he loves and wants to be with. Even though you do care, learn to act as though you don't. As long as he is in with the computer, be happy, at least you know where he is. Allow him his privacy though. He may need to be in contact with other women to build up his sexual energies for you. Don't be jealous of your PC.
Give him lots of love and treat him well and then if you lose him, don't sweat it. Take it one day at a time and enjoy him while you have him. You have him in his prime. Take advantage of this fact and wear him out. Take pleasure in knowing that if by chance you do lose him to someone else that you have had his best years and there won't be much left to hand over. Remember he can be very easily replaced. But don't just settle for a replacement, go for the upgrade. GCJ
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think most men that have a computer will surf porn, but I would certainly draw the line at "on-line affairs", and I did with 2 (count 'em) TWO previous relationships (I am now happily maried to a FAITHFUL man)...porn is one thing.....talking to real women on-line pretending that he is single is totally another. I have learned to trust my gut feeling....you know, that sick-knot-in the-stomach feeling you get when you suspect your man has been cheating. If he were "above suspicion", then you are wrong to snoop, but if he lies and cheats, then he has NO right to ANY privacy.....oh, and BTW, if you know anything about computers, you know that history etc. can be so easily deleted. Don't let him make you think that YOU are the one at fault.....in both my cases, the "on-line affairs" led to meetings with other women (that I found out about, because I am also a good detective)...I tried to forgive, but it was no use.....I Kicked them to the curb, and guess what? There was something MUCH better out there waiting for me!

I'm sorry....I know how bad it hurts. Good luck to you, dear!
Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Look, Honey, these men don't change! Whether he is engaged in a true physical realtionship with another person or whether he is fantasizing about some on-line diva, he's still not giving you his ALL. You are a mere convenience for him. Let him have his PC and you get off your duff and get on with your life. There are men who like to be with intelligent women and will love them for who they are, and possess the capacity to be faithful to ONE Woman. Please! How sickening! Get rid of this toxic Tom and built a life of trust, first with yourself (meaning go with your gut! trust you instincts.) then find the man you can trust with your heart. Your guy, well, he's a pig!
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hippygrl,

Hear! Hear!
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
If you are in a situation where you consider someone else's actions to be responsible for how you feel, that has a name. And this is to the original author as well as to several of the people commenting. It is called "codependence" and it is as debilitating to relationships as being addicted to porn is. If you are not codependent, that's cool. I'm not trying to label you, but if this is a recurring theme in your life, maybe along with kicking him to the curb and blaming him, you'll read a few books on codependence. What could it hurt, right?

People make choices. Those choices occur in an instant. What I mean is, if your man chooses to watch porn, that is a choice that lasts for as long as he watches the porn, not forever. To make it seem like it is a choice he is making for his entire life in that one moment ALSO has a name. Drama.

Some people say "Men who watch porn are obectifying women." That may be true, but it is ALSO true that that statement objectifies the men who watch it. Think about it.

Peace
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
"If it weren't for this trust issue, our relationship would be so healthy."

Read that sentence again. Then think about it and read it again. Keep reading what you wrote until it sinks in.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
These comments all contain very good advice joonbug. I can see that your fellow bloggers are looking out for you and thats a good thing! GCJ