lol good one karmat

Reply to # 454

ouch...hahahahahaha...ouch

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
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To remember the last stand of General Custer, the U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a local artist to help capture the famous battle.
So the artist goes to work, and spends days painting the massive mural.
The big day comes and all the generals are there, waiting to see the unveiling. The artist gives his speech and unveils the masterpiece, to show Jesus on the cross and hundreds of Indians all having sex.
The crowd is gob-smacked by the painting and demand the artist tell them why he has painted such an atrocity. Calmly, the artist takes the stand and explains that the painting represents Custer's last words,
"Jesus Christ, look at all the effing Indians!".

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. 

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Some more Steven Wright:

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

-- Man who run in front of car get tired.

-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 

"Oi Koala! What are you doing?"
 
The koala said, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some." 
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,
where they enjoyed the weed.   


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry
and that he was going to get a drink from the river. 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.   

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?" 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked
into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was 
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Oi you!" 
 
So the koala looked down at him and said, 
 
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... 
How much water did you drink?!!"